The Gathering

Yea, I am perfectly aware this is no help site blah, blah..but I just want total outside opinions from complete randomers such as yourselves.

I have made a mess of stuff over the past couple of years. To sum it up - Roughly 2 years ago I somehow decided bulimia was a good road to go down..er, needless to say everything has f*cked up as a result, meaning I have spent stupid, stupid, insane amounts of money, just on food...Wasted so much of my parent's food & money..cause daily rows and upset and arguments...made my parents' house a horrible state..lost their trust..ruined all chance of going to uni due to the fact that it's forced me to quit college...lost practically all my friends, certainly the few I was close with..well on the way to ruining my teeth/health..stolen, shoplifted, lied constantly to just about everyone..I gross out everyone, especially myself..I COULD GO ON!
So yea, I'm currently going through my second bout of treatment with a therapist, etc. But this is an addiction, as well as a coping method for everything and anything which I've got so accustomed to. So trying to get back to "NORMAL" is WITHOUT A DOUBT the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. I don't have the motivation to do it, so I guess I am beginning to give up.
I am currently wasting a lot of time and space.
It's mentally difficult to cope with the guilt [it is badly affecting my family & people around me], and shame, and the sheer fucking frustration at being stuck in this never-ending vicious circle. Need to get rid of it all!! Does that sound reasonable? From a totally outside view, can you see my point? What I wanna know is, if you were in a situation of similar crapness, and you see no way out, would you take all your meds in one go and thus put a stop to all of it? To me, it seems like the solution that all of this is pointing to. Oh so subtly, of course.

Also, I wanna make it clear I'm not about to go top myself - it's just something Ive been considering for a while and its fast becoming a realistic option, due to the simple truth that is things could be far less crap for everyone I care about [and the local plumbing systems!] if I were not around. Fact.

Looking forward to your input, oh random peoples! And remember - I'm not emo..I'm just mentally ill {However, this is quite possibly the most EMO piece of shizz I've ever written in my life!}

Thanx a bunch!

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You don’t see me, ‘cause I don’t have much to say..

...'Sugar horse'
(damn I'm not good at talking with people, even in my own language it's problem for me... I found out that it would be better if I didn't speak at all) but now I have to say something...but don't want to write something like "sensible bullshit" which I think you've heard many times before.
I also asked myself many times 'What should I do with my life?' So I tried to compare what would be better life or death?, I tried to sum pro and con... so what's the solution?... I still think that to be here is the best what I can do...there are not another better possiblities (although I don't know how long I will think that it's true). I hope that still there will be something which give me power...which give you power... It's maybe stupid example but there is still one reason for me...it's the Gathering. (And another reason is that I'm not able to do that - commit suicide. I hope that YOU will never find a power to do that......) (Life is fucking but what's better than it?)
oh hell... I'm not a right man who should talk about this kind of things... (when I did that my friend, who I love, started to hate me)
Maybe it's not good....but if I wanted to end my life I wouldn't commit suicide...I would 'bury' my life and move far away from home and people who know me... I would try to change everything... well I dont know...I dont even know whether I understand what you wrote...
I'm sorry....I can't write something sensible...

Honza

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PALIVO OKYSLICOVADLO TAH RM [kN]...
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http://www.anathema.czweb.org

@ ~SuGaR_HoRsE~
Well, this is not the story you can answer just in few words. Bulimia or eating disorder
in the other words can be overcome. You have to have strong will and you have to
stay motivated. I’m sure you’ll find something to keep you motivated. Taking all your
meds in one is definitely not right solution for this. Think of your family and friends.
Even if they don’t trust you at the moment they still love you. Just be patient. There is
always way out but it is up to you to find right solution.
I really wish you good luck in your doings! Be strong girl!!!!!

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Without music, life would be a mistake.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Dear SugarHorse,
I don't know if you are joking or not, but I suppose the subject is to serious to mess around with, so you are probably crying out for help for real.
You are a young and very sweet girl that shouldn't be having these problems. But I know that many girls just like you do have them. It's not easy to tell why, but my guess is that we are living in a world today that puts a lot of pressure on all of us, and young women often feel that they have to match a specific picture of the "perfect girl with the perfect life".
That's not how life works!
There is no such thing as a perfect life. We all have flaws. We all have bad days. We all have our little dark secrets. No one is perfect, no one is without a stain, if you know what I mean.
The solution to your situation is NOT committing suicide, that will only make your family and friends more sad. They want to see you healthy and happy again. You have to rely on their love for you.
Believe me, I have 4 children and know how strong a parent's love can be and what mountains it can move.
You are doing exactly the right thing: going to a pro that can help you sort things out. You have to be patient, it will take time, and the motivation for life will come. If you have been in this mess for 2 years, you have to count on another 2 years before it's back to normal (whatever THAT is, what is normal anyway?).
And please don't feel guilt or shame! Blame the fu**ing commercial society for cheating you in to this "pretty-woman-trap".
Start getting angry, that might help you!
I don't know if I'm helping out here, or if I have understood your situation correctly. I just hope you don't do anything stupid, from my point of view.
If you like to continue to discuss more in private, feel free to e-mail me (it's in my profile) or pm me.
I'm here for you, sweet SugarHorse!
Hartly yours,
Ken

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Age is not a matter of skin, it's a matter of attitude...

Sugar_Horse,

I'm so sorry that you are going though such a difficult time ....but you are doing the right thing to seek help. By going to a therapist and opening up right here to seemingly "random people".

You see, even though you probably don't know many of the members here, from my perception there's quite an abundance of nice sincere people here that will do what they can to help and offer sound advice.

I don't know Bulimia firsthand....I'm a guy. I'm sure it exists with men, but it seems to be rare in men. You mentioned having a problem coping with the guilt, shame and frustration of not being able to beat the disease. That's definitely understandable, we all want to feel like we are in control of our actions and the paths we take in life......but remember we're all only human. Sometimes we can't do it alone. There's no shame in needing help. By giving it a second go with your therapist, that's a big step to recovery.

I'm sure you might feel guilt from those things you mentioned doing as a result of suffering from Bulimia....wasting your parents money, lying, breaking their trust etc...but first you need to focus on getting yourself healthy again. One step at a time. Later when your physically and mentally stable and comfortable, you can make amends to those you feel you need to.

Going through such a serious problem, you must do a bit a soul searching and grasp onto what you still have that is good in your life....it'll help tremendously. For example, not to get deeply in some of my troubles...I go often though periods of deep depressions triggered from what most others would deem as trivial or minor things. Those things are are not trivial or meaningless to me....sometimes a simple kind word or action can make all the difference when feeling down.

One thing I've always grasped onto is my passion and love for music. Often TG and many other musicians are the only thing that make be feel good inside and make me persevere. Yes, I've thought about suicide a number of times over the years, but I'll never act on it ever. I think about what I miss out on. We can't know what's in store. There could be so many beautiful times and feelings down the road for you... for you to give it up CAN'T be an option.

I'm no professional by any means at all. I just think the best thing for you to do is NOT think of beating your problem in one big picture. What I mean it's a long path to recovery. Work on one small step of improvement at a time.

You've already made probably the biggest step. Admitting the Bulimia is a problem for you and reaching out for help.
First, continue to seek the help of your therapist, perhaps a change of medication may be in order. Work on starting to feel good again about yourself. As I said earlier, once you feel at a point where you feel physically and mentally good and sound, then you make the reparations or amends necessary to relieve you of the guilt from hurting others along the way. It's time to be selfish intially and get yourself back on track first.

I really hope I could help at least a little bit.
Please do feel free and PM if there is any way I can help more.
I wish you the best of luck and all the strength you need to beat this.

Hello SugarHorse. I don't know if you've been posting elsewhere on the forum or you just haven't been on in a while, but it's good to see you back. I was starting to miss that big blue cookie monster avatar pic. (seriously, he's a lot better than elmo). ANYWAY.....about you situation. I'm not going to lecture or even give my opinion on what you should do. In my opinion, that stuff is rubbish and only makes the person giving the advice/opinion feel better or feel somewhat in control (pessimistic view I know, but you'll see where I'm coming from in a bit). What I am going to do is tell you about what I went through about 5 years ago that I haven't really told anyone in a veeeery long time (trust being one of the factors). It is very similar to what you are going through but not as striking to most people as bulemia is. Here I go:

I've had serious problems with depression for over ten years. It was tough to go to school everyday....just to even stay attentive in class which was work in itself. I was a loner mostly. Had a few friends but for the most part didn't really feel as though I connected with anyone on the level I desired. Even after school was over, there was no rest. My dad wasn't around during the week except on weekdays because he was working far away to support the family. So besides homework, I was pretty much the man of the house. And when my dad DID come home is was pretty much arguing and taking orders the entire weekend. I felt trapped and alone for years. And then my senior year in high school arrived and I thought: this is my chance to go to college and escape all of this. So I worked my ass off the whole year and finally got in. Things seemed up for a month or two. But in reality, I found out that fleeing a certain place can't help you escape yourself. On one of the last days I spent in college (wasn't even the end of the first semester) I was going to see a girl I had met over the summer when I had signed up for one of those "tour the university and see if it's the right one for you" type of deal. At the time, desperation was strangling me and I felt like this was one of my few hopes of surviving this mess..........It failed. A couple of days later I popped a bunch of sleeping pills and was ready to leave everything behind (as selfish as that may sound). Ya know, it takes so much energy just to go through with it....more energy than lifting insanely heavy objects or running till you burst. And when I finally had them in my stomach, I thought: WHAT THE f*ck WAS I DOING??? I got really scared and realized how much I didn't want to die.........or maybe didn't want to know what was ahead for me in that black abyss. Who knows.......it happened so fast. So in a movie, this is where everything starts to look happy and promising. But ya know, it just doesn't happen that way. I spent some time in a few lock down hospitals. Then graduated to group therapy where I was required to attend but I could live outsided the hospital. I submitted to a few drug coctails and the recommendation of a therapist but ended up refusing both. For me it just felt like brainwashing and sedation. So for a few years after that whole ordeal, I worked a few steady jobs, met some friends, and went from one living situation to the next. Right now I'm in the most stable situation so far which has helped my mental health a lot. It took a very long time and a lot a strength without much outside help (like I said, I'm a loner and refuse meds and therapy). I know I have many issues to work on in the future, and I'm not sure if I'm ever going to resolve them all.........the one thing I do know is that I wouldn't have gotten through any of it without one thing. Not family, not friends, not medications, not relationiships......just the simple (yet cliche, I know) idea of that intangible HOPE. Whether it be a dream you've been having for years or the simple notion that you don't want to be one with the earth until you've carved yourself in stone ON the earth. Whatever it is, I've found that it is the only thing that has really helped me over the years. I'm sure it is different for a lot of people but I hope I have somehow given you comfort and perspective in this ugly time in your life. Be patient (the hardest part) and don't be a stranger on the board. You can PM me if you don't feel comfortable replying.

p.s. And if anyone else on the board wants to criticize my take on all of this, please don't use this thread as an argument. PM me. Thanks.

Wow, thanks so much for all your replies. I didn't expect anything like that

This means a lot, thank you.

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You don’t see me, ‘cause I don’t have much to say..

hi, I hope you feel better

There was a time when I felt so sad that I considered that. I was in deep despair. I did not want to but felt that was the only way to stop hurting. I was very wrong. I reached out and slowly the despair turned to hope. Despair is a very bad thing, it twists reality and lies to you.... telling you there is no hope. But, there is ALWAYS Hope. Hope is always there, no matter what. You just need to find hope. From hope you will find the strength to live. You have the courage to tell us your problem and asking for help, so you are on the right path. Asking for help is a very courageous thing. There are many people here who care and want to help, myself included. If you need someone to talk to, just PM me.

Everything before us or behind us is nothing compared to that which is within us.

Life is what you make it, so make it a good one.

---
Brian

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everything before us or behind us is nothing compared to that which is within us

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Helo... I don't know you, but I just want to give my opinion... that's the topic for, right?

I think that if you really want to give your problems a solution, then you must be capable to look further you body and your anxiousness to eat and vomit... I can asure you life has prepared for you a big plan and you are suppose to go through all this bad situations so you can move on and go through the good ones.

The only thing you have to know, is that it's all in your mind, and you can control everything... don't be that weak to take such an easy path and through it all away, you have to struggle like we all do, with every problem you are experiencing, because that's the way it goes.. Stop thinking about suicide and stupid things like that, that will only make your loved ones suffer and will not make you a better person so... I believe we are all capable of struggling, no one is stronger than the other and no hell is worse than others so.. there you go


I hope you're still alive

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¿Hasta Dónde Se lavarán La Cara Los Calvos?

Heyhey

Just to let you know, please don't worry!!1 I'm still here, i just don't post much

Thanx all of you. Ive spent a while reading through all your responses.

SH x

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You don’t see me, ‘cause I don’t have much to say..

OK *

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Age is not a matter of skin, it's a matter of attitude...

I know this is an old thread but this is a very serious situation. Suicide is an option no one should ever consider. I know that it's easy for me to say since I haven't been in your shoes and I don't know your pain. But nevertheless suicide is NOT the answer. I hope you have found some strength and courage to overcome this. And I hope that you are doing well.

Always remember, everyone's life matters. Your life matters too.

Self murder is one of the most selfish acts a person could ever commit, it hurts so many people so much more than it hurt the person who commits it. Just a thought.

Well, (almost) everything we do is a selfish act, don't you think:
• Falling in love
• Having sex
• Getting children
• Study
• Get a nice job
• Buying things

And so on...

And some of these things can also hurt other people, according to how you handle it.

Aren't we all closest to our selves?

Just another thought.

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Age is not a matter of skin, it's a matter of attitude...

You are right about all of those things, but it's not the same. I have seen what suicide does to families, to friends, to communities.

It's a point of view, certainly. Personally i think the friends and families are the selfish ones if they cannot respect the views of the suicide-ee. As Ken said, most feelings are selfish ones ultimately, even making someone else's suicide about them, rather than respecting the person who did it.

No offense like, but there's always a different view.

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Can't we all just get a bong?

In theory that does make sense. But in practice I'm not sure if it's a case of respecting the views of someone who has killed themselves... I don't know. Maybe respecting their views and dealing with what they've left behind are not synonymous. Anyway, we can agree to disagree

Certainly there are never any clear-cut answers, especially with such an emotive subject. It's always right and good to help people if you can, but i think there is a line that has to be drawn, if they don't want help particularly.
Anyway, Sugar Horse is doing well, i'm sure you'll be pleased to know.

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Can't we all just get a bong?