The Gathering

You like The Gathering? Oh dear. You're not going to like what I thought of How to Measure a Planet?...

Rescue Me is so so. So, so, so fucking awful, that is. Like that buzzing, ringing sound you get if you stick your fingers in a wall socket, track four, My Electricity is a perversion that may actually appeal to a small group of sick fucks hiding in a basement somewhere in Illinois. How many times does The Gathering need to tell us all about their miserable fucking life? Liberty Bell just reeks of teenage bedroom poetry and should have stayed there.

Track six, Red Is A Slow Colour went down well with my neighbour's dogs. They howled for hours, handily drowning out most of the track, and prompting me to start searching for a dog of my own. It is difficult to stop yourself from throwing a brick at your CD player when tosh like track ten, South American Ghost Ride comes out of it on a regular basis. Illuminating should have been left off this album. It's marginally better than the rest and, frankly, only draws attention to their simplistic banality.

In fact, this should've been put down years ago.

What do I think about The Gathering's Souvenirs? I don't think you are going to like this...

How many times does The Gathering need to tell us all about their miserable fucking life? The opening track, These Good People just reeks of teenage bedroom poetry and should have stayed there. Souvenirs could be mistaken for my dentist's favourite drill bits being plunged into the living tooth-pulp over and over again while he hums the theme to Friends gently to himself if you don't listen very carefully, and, believe me, you don't want to. I've heard better things than track 6, We Just Stopped Breathing at my son's playschool end of term concert in which every small child has been given something to make a noise with regardless of talent, motivation or the ability to count to four without drooling.

In fact, my grandmother sucks eggs better than this shite.

Casimiro i love your avatar its almost as good as my Cobra one

What do I think about Closterkeller's Graphite? I don't think you are going to like this...

Sticking my fingers in my ears made the opening track, Athe sound a whole lot better, but not as much as putting an axe through my CD player. Closterkeller sound like Closterkeller's own internal organs attempting to end it all towards the end of the track throughout the apocalyptic mess that is The Mermaid. Track 4, The Pearl is beyond belief. It sounds like that bloke in your office who hums to himself continuously oblivious to the number of people who plot to fill his mouth and nose with cement on a daily basis.

Too much track 6, The Ego Game is bad for your health. I recommend taking up injecting heroin into your eyeballs instead. It tickles a bit, but the rush is awesome. To be honest, it's been a long time since I've heard an album quite this bad. I do this for a living, and you won't believe the shit you get sent as the 'Next Big Thing'. Take Eve And Adam for example - if I'd wanted a recording of a cheap keyboard being played by a God-fearing christian fund raiser outside Tesco's I'd have asked for it. Take it away and put it out of its misery. Please. How many times does Closterkeller need to tell us all about their miserable fucking life? The Reign Of The Comet just reeks of teenage bedroom poetry and should have stayed there.

In fact, I wish Closterkeller had never been born.